Fragile males, the tribes of trolls, and their cult of rudeness

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I was recently having a discussion the other day about sexism and bullying in a certain area of online life. And while that particular example was disconcerting, it is mirrored by the sexism (and racism, and homophobia) in other parts of cyberspace, which in turn reflects a larger societal pattern. While many see such abuses as a crisis, for those who live with it day and and day out it can start to seem like business as usual. There are some who will say that such folks are "jerks" or "morons" who don't matter, that their words and actions are irrelevant. I disagree.

Let's differentiate here between different types of trolls. Some just want to wind other people up for their own amusement, or believe that they are being clever. Some simply think they are being funny. Because they are isolated from immediate and personal face to face contact, they may not appreciate the impact of their comments on others. They are clueless but that doesn't mean that they don't hurt or offend. And in such cluelessness, they may decide to idolize or imitate others who are far more intentionally cruel and spiteful.

There is a subculture or side-culture in many online and offline communities which prizes being anti-social and rude. Then there is the "macho" club which tends to be heavily sexist, at times bordering on misogynistic, as well as homophobic. These two groups aren't identical, but neither are anywhere close to mutually exclusive.  For example, certain tribes of trolls may not be dedicated to insulting only women but their language is extremely sexist, and it mirrors the false machismo of undesirable social trends of the bullying boys clubs.

Some of the more obnoxious trolls may be children or immature adults who are going to act mean and idiotic to anyone they come across online, probably from a lack of social skills mixed with deep insecurity and a lack of social accountability, but they are using terms and imagery that already exist in misogynistic circles. They are mimicking the psychology and employing the verbal weaponry of bullies. Whether they really are intimated by or hateful towards women specifically, or whether instead they are just aping bad behavior in a failed attempt to pursue some kind of coolness through online notoriety, they are still perpetuating the anti-woman stereotypes and abusive terminology.

The video gaming harassment sub-culture, the athlete rape/"slut-shaming" sub-culture, bullying at school, and homophobia often share many features, but perhaps one of the most important is the highly fragile masculine identity imposed upon or adopted by cis-gendered males, a.k.a. the "regular guy". By fragile, I mean that whether the male caught up it in realizes or not, he is constantly worried about it being damaged or broken. He has to avoid so many social markers and symbols that aren't sufficiently masculine (depending on what that means to a particular individual in a specific society and a time in history), in the way that he speaks, dresses, walks, and in what he consumes (food, entertainment, etc), that it is as if his self-image and reputation is made of glass.

Not all "guys" buy into this fragile macho identity, and some only give into it in harmless ways, but far too many take it way too seriously. At it's worst, it is an identity in such a severe and paranoid state of potential threat, risked by not appearing defiant or unaffected or tough enough, that those who embrace it feel the need or feel entitled to ridicule and dominate others. It's as if ridiculing and bullying others for not being masculine in the right way or to the right degree is an act of self-defense. It's as if he feels so weak and helpless, whether he is fully conscious of it or not, that the aggression and the resulting schadenfreude from inflicting suffering on others is a way try to escape such misery. A major difference between arrogance and confidence, though, is that confidence isn't threatened by or upset at the success and happiness of others. It embraces and celebrates such good news.

At certain ages and in some social circles it can be hard not to go along with demeaning and aggressively hostile comments and actions toward others. To not bully, to not laugh at the mocking of others, or to show that you have real empathy or concern for easy targets when in front of others sharing or enforcing the fragile macho identity can get you labeled as uncool. Unmanly. A wimp. A volunteer target. But only by others more insecure than you. When someone with self-confidence rather than arrogance stands up to other so-called "men", shows no fear, and displays no tolerance for fools, the fragile males are often left with grade school threats or dismissals. You know, the ones everyone on the playground knew were just hot hair and a way to save face after you got put in your place. "It was just a joke." "You take things to seriously." "Just be cool."

This delicate and easily threatened male identity also influences their defenders and enablers, as apparently these tough guys need to be coddled and protected from anyone who disapproves of their boorish or violent behavior. Which is why it bothers me those who write about their concerns and frustrations are attacked or dismissed. Whether or not such individuals are part of a loud but obnoxious minority, what they say and do is still is part of a larger cultural message to which impressionable girls and boys are exposed. Just because someone you like or love does it, or just because it's something you were used to growing up, doesn't make it acceptable. The "boys will be boys" excuse is giving a free pass and encouragement to even worse behavior, none of which is healthy or helpful to anyone.

My primary interest in posting about this is to challenge this kind of behavior and to get more people actively thinking about how to reduce or eliminate such pointless and damaging ignorance from their own lives. For example, there has been a long debated concern over sexism in online gaming. It's important when people write about such behavior as unacceptable and clue people in who may have no idea what their friends or kids are getting up to (or being subjected to) when they log in to play a game or visit a gaming forum. I am not suggesting, to use that example, that parents keep their kids offline. Nor do I wish promote censorship for any of other venues through which harassment occurs. Rather, I hope that the more people are willing to talk about this, the more we will be able to make the issue more transparent and to give those who choose to act like creeps less cover. As for parents, they need to be to know as much as possible about such issues, whether they come up in gaming or elsewhere, so they can better help their kids understand and deal with such foolishness.

I understand those who have a policy of ignoring trolls in terms of direct interaction, of starving them of the attention they so crave. But to turn a blind eye on those who are mobbed by such bullies and their bile is also a non-starter for me. Because in the end the fact that sexist, homophobic, and racist insults (and you know the common ones that are used) are such popular terms for showing your disdain for someone, or for earning a reputation for being a hardcore rebel against dignity, is a big clue about who is perceived as an acceptable target for disrespect. It shows who is still vulnerable and highlights societal battles that are still ongoing and social wounds that haven't yet fully healed. Trolls are like the foul-mouthed canaries in the coal mines of our cultural subconscious. While feeding them or worrying about every inane and offensive thing they say is a bad idea, so is ignoring what they are telling us about our weaknesses and failings as a society.